Verbal Self Defense Tactics

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The aged old saying is that ‘blood is thicker than water’ — commonly interpreted to mean ‘family ties are more important than any other relationships.’ If that was true, however, then people in your family should ALWAYS treat you better than anyone else in the world … but that isn’t always the case.

The fact is that there are a lot of people who will agree that their friends are more like ‘family’ than their actual family is — in verbal self defense we put it this way:

If you wouldn’t allow someone on the street to treat you in a certain way, then why would it be okay for your own family members to treat you in that same manner?

Being Tripped Up by Guilt

One of the most common form of bullying among family members is ‘guilt tripping’ — intentionally causing someone to experience feelings of guilt in order to get them to comply with your wishes. The act of making another person feel guilty is easily accomplished by putting that individual’s personal identity in question. One way to do that is to use voice tone to imply that the other person’s decision to do, or not do, what you want makes them a bad person (ie. uncaring, selfish, spoiled, mean, etc.).

In order to verbally defend yourself from such attacks requires two main things; 1) enough self-worth to acknowledge that there are times when your own beliefs, values, and needs deserve more attention than the attacker’s. 2) the confidence to say that implying someone (ex. you)  is a bad person [that you don't care, that you don't love them, that you are doing this out of spite, etc.] in order to convince them to think or do things differently is not the kind of communication you want to use in building your relationship.

How to Stop Guilt Tripping

When you confront a person who guilt trips you it is very important to be specific about identifying what the person is doing or saying that is creating the feelings of guilt — is it their tone of voice, the look on their face, a certain phrase or comment, etc.? When you know what it is about the person’s communication that is making any implication regarding how you are being personally irresponsible towards them (ex. intentionally causing them pain by not agreeing to their request) you can then use the techniques of verbal self defense against that exact bullying behavior.

In the case where you’re not comfortable addressing the issue in the moment, you only need to remember the details of the conversation in which the other person laid a guilt trip on you. You can then go back at a different time and place where you and the person are in a better, or more private, place and you can speak without any blame or emotion getting in the way.

At that point in time, simply present your concerns as facts about how you feel and what you’re hoping the other person will be open to changing… or at least being aware of how their way of communicating is being perceived by you. Stay focused on only dealing with the exact component of their communication that is of concern — stay away from talking about the content!

The goal is to get them to ask for what they want or explain their thoughts in a healthier way that leads to a better and more open relationship. Remember that this is all about ‘family’ and building those deeper ties that bind … free from negative feelings like fear, obligation, and guilt.

The term Hard Limit refers to the absolute limit of one’s personal boundaries which they simply will not cross under any circumstances. Verbal Self Defense has its own kind of hard limit to which it simply will not work — that limit is attempting to use it against hidden or anonymous attackers.

In the modern age one of the greatest benefits of the internet is anonymity; however, it is also one of the internet’s greatest short-comings. In a time where big business and government must be held accountable, a degree of anonymity allows whistle-blowers to inform the public of inappropriate decisions on the part of the people in charge of our country and our economy. This same anonymity also offers people who have more sinister intentions a greater amount of freedom to harass, bully and discredit people without the risk of any consequences for their actions.

This exact scenario has recently happened to several people I know (including myself) and there is absolutely no recourse on the part of the victim(s). It would seem that, as an expert in the art of Verbal Self Defense, I should have some kind of means for dealing with something as simple as attacks to one’s character, but the problem is the lack of an opponent towards which I can fight back. Anyone who has access to a local internet coffee shop can create a fake (and untraceable) email or social network account under a false identity, and then they can use those accounts to begin spreading malicious libel on website forums, personal blogs and social networking sites. In real life a person who slanders your good name can be held accountable in a court of law for any damages they may cause you, but on the internet anonymity means there is no accountability at all. Huge companies such as Microsoft/Hotmail, Google, and Yahoo are able to protect these cyber-bullies from prosecution by helping them to hide their identity … and simply because no one has the wealth necessary to fight such large corporations there is no recourse for the average person even if they attempt to use techniques of verbal self defense.

You see, the main concept behind any effective strategy for verbal self defense relies on the persuasive power behind the potential consequences for the bully if they do NOT change their abusive behaviors. For this reason, verbal self defense has no power against anonymous internet attackers because there is no chance for any type of consequence to the things these cyber-terrorists say (online or in private messages), insinuate, or even directions they give for people to attack a person or their family.

This is currently a growing trend behind cyber-bullying and one of the major causes behind ever increasing statistics on bullycide (bullying induced suicide). However, until large internet businesses such as Microsoft, Google, Facebook, Yahoo, and others are made to be held accountable for their choice to protect the identity of cyber-terrorists you can expect to see this problem continuing to become worse and worse. At this point in time the only way targets of internet bullying will ever be able to make the changes necessary to stop these kinds of personal attacks is if we band together as a group and start more class-action lawsuits against the industry leaders who are allowing the victimization of innocent people by mean-hearted individuals using their internet servers and websites.

It seems that workplace bullying has become more and more common place in the past decade. However, that’s not because it’s happening more — it’s often the exact same behaviors that have been around for generations — the difference is that people have become more “sensitive.”

There are certain contexts that will have behaviors which, in a completely different setting, would be considered inappropriate or in some cases even illegal, but in those places/situations are thought to be normal. A good example is bars and pubs — anywhere else people wouldn’t allow the rampant amount of sexual harassment that is common place in the liquor industry. In an office environment using vulgar language will usually end in some kind of reprimand from your supervisor, but in a bar it’s totally acceptable.

In the same way, just like behaviors are identified as acceptable or unacceptable by the context, bullying behaviors are not always true forms of bullying. Any bullying type of behavior that does not leave a person feeling bad are actually not a form of workplace bullying. One common example of this is certain types of playful humor — practical jokes which are found to be funny by everyone involved can easily become a form of workplace bullying if even one person considers the experience hurtful.

Have you ever experienced a situation where you did something or said something that, although you thought it would be funny, the other person didn’t understand or misunderstood your intentions in a negative way? Maybe it was the context you were in or maybe it was the wrong time or just the wrong kind of person to share that particular type of humor.

The key however is to remember that it’s not the bully’s responsibility to assure the other person is unhurt by their words or actions — in fact, it only becomes bullying at the point when the target informs the person that what they’re doing is a problem. After that point it should include input from both sides to find a solution.

Every relationship goes through what is typically called the “Honeymoon Phase” – that time at the beginning when we become insufferable to those around us with all the cooing, the being velcro’d at the hips, feeding each other apple pie and the un-ending verbal gushing about how wonderful the other person is.

This is the part of the process where we are trying to get to know each other; during the courtship the goal/intention is to win affection. We are hell bent on convincing the other person that you deserve their affections. So much so that we will present to them the type of person we THINK is the type of person they want to be with, we present what we perceive to be our “best side,” which gives unending fodder to all the TV situation comedies out there.

One of the key elements of humans is pleasure and fun. In the process of creating a “playful” environment that will entice this new partner to stay with them, one thing people will do is use that sense of playfulness to define their boundaries. We will tease each other as a way of showing things that they value or devalue – so if a partner is doing something the other thinks is silly or stupid, they will tease gently, playfully with the covert intention of saying “I think that is stupid/silly.” Although it’s funny at the time, there is a serious underlining intention. Ever hear of the idiom “Comedy is a funny way of being serious”?

The reason we do it in a teasing way is because we ware still in the honeymoon stage. We have to do it in a way that still brings a sense of pleasure to the other person; we need to continue to prove we are the person they want to be with. As the relationship continues, it becomes a pattern and it continues back and forth as the two people do things to balance power, set boundaries etc.

There is, however, a tipping point where it becomes too much of a relied-upon communication style. While it WAS meant in good fun, as the relationship matures, it starts to create feeling of resentment and shame. When over half of the communication in the relationship becomes the teasing/belittling, the unconscious suffering will slowly build and that building of unconscious suffering transforms into abuse.

In early stages it was teasing and playfulness such as correcting the other person (words, way they dress, how they do something), playful violence, those types of things can lead to an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It happens comment by comment until it escalates to where even outsiders can see it as abuse. Ever wonder why someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship? This is why; it happens so slowly, building off of the honeymoon feel-good teasing that they never see it coming.

The concept is that you want to be aware and pay attention to the behaviors of those you are in a relationship with; be mindful of their intent and how they make you feel. Negative behaviors that appear to be done with a positive overt intention can actually be negative. When it stops being fun and playful and your reaction becomes filled with feelings of shame and resentment, then you have moved into the territory of abuse.

This is when you get help and/or start using your Verbal Self Defense. It’s up to you to stop the cycle.

Basic concepts of behavioral studies recognize that every behavior has a higher positive intention behind it. What this means is that anything a person says or does has an unconscious expectation which the person assumes will be achieved by that behavior. The problem with this is that, although the unconscious intention is always positive, the actual behavior may not be.

The reason for this is that people are limited to only having the choice available to them which they are unconsciously aware of in that time and place. That list of options is restricted by many different factors, including (but not limited to);

• The current situation or event;
• Their physical health and wellness (are they well rested, etc.);
• What the relationship is to all parties involved;
• Past personal experiences;
• The person’s deep personal values and beliefs about the world;

One of the most powerful influences of a person’s unconscious decision making process can be personal stress (or, in some cases, distress). Highly emotional circumstances involving feelings of fear, anger, shame, or guilt can negatively impact one’s ability to rationally determine the most appropriate choice of action. People and organizations that deal with our base need of safety and survival will usually have the most contact with individuals affected in this way — especially police, firefighters, EMT, doctors, nurses, etc.

When someone’s logical mind is limited by overwhelming negative emotion they can behave in unexpected ways that may seem very out of character for them. The reason is because they’re personal experiences in life have not given them the skills needed to deal with what is happening in an appropriate way. Those feelings of helplessness can instigate abusive reactions in these people, causing them to act mentally, emotionally and/or physically abusive towards the people around them — including their care givers.

One way to help a normally rational person who is in emotional distress is to constantly redirect their focus back toward the highest positive intention of their abusive words and actions. The simple act of asking what their purpose is for specific words, tone of voice, gestures, facial expression, body posture, etc. (any behavior determined to be abusive) that they are doing can help them reconnect with that logical part of their unconscious mind. Questions such as:

1. What is it you hope to accomplish by… [insert description of their abusive behavior here]?
2. Do you really believe that, by doing that behavior, it will help achieve your desired outcome?

From there it is then useful to help them by connected the behavior you need from that person (i.e. taking a breath and relaxing a bit, etc.) to their desired intent. A simple example of this could be stated as, “I can help you [insert their purpose for the abusive behavior] if you’ll simply [insert the behavior you need from them here].” The result is that, by guiding the person’s awareness toward their deeper intention and help them become conscious of how their current behavior is hindering them in achieving that outcome, it can then allow them to be more open to changing that behavior.