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One unexpected benefit of this general drive toward organizational transparency has, in the last few decades, brought about discoveries of dishonest and underhanded actions on the part of officials in all levels of public and private office. The downside of these new insights is an overall sense of distrust and fear among the average people in our communities.

USEFUL VIGILANTISM

Now, when this natural sense of curiosity is combined with our need for fairness and equality the outcome can be both gainful and disastrous. In the case of our political, legal, union, government, and organizational systems the result has been overwhelmingly positive with greater accountability on the part of people in positions of power. As well, it has allowed for more and more input from the public at large in how things are done and where our society, both nationally and internationally, is headed. Positive results due to internet vigilantes include:

• YouTube Cat Abuse Incident

  A video of a young male physically abusing a cat was posted on YouTube. After 30,000 views, YouTube removed the video and blocked the hosting account. Anonymous members investigated, identifying the individual as Kenny Glenn of Lawton, Oklahoma and reported him to local law enforcement. Two minors were arrested on charges of cruelty to animals.

• Cyclist Abuser Incident

  In 2008, video of Patrick Pogan, a rookie police officer, body-slamming Christopher Long, a free-spirited cyclist, surfaced on the Internet. The altercation happened when members of Critical Mass conducted a bicycling advocacy event at Times Square. The officer claimed the cyclist had veered into him, and so the biker was charged with assault, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. The video went viral on the internet and after being viewed for over 2 million times. The charges against the cyclist were later dropped and Pogan was found to be guilty and was convicted for lying about confrontation with cyclist.

HARMFUL VIGILANTISM

On the flip-side there has also been an ever increasing sense of injustice on the part of individuals. To quote an old saying, ‘You can please some of the people most of the time, but you’ll never please everyone all of the time.’ — and, in this regard, that saying is truer than ever. Where there was a time when a consensus was needed for any type of action to be taken people have become more self-focused in their beliefs and values, resulting in a deeper feeling of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ in some people. If this need to be ‘right’ is transferred onto situations of injustice or inequality people begin to feel a strong desire for vengeance or ‘payback’ in order to balance things out — to quote another old saying, ‘What goes around comes around’ … the problem being that people who feel they’re right want to be the person to enforce the ‘comes around’ part.

In the past it took an effort on the part of many people to organize and protest and take action to make changes and influence people in power. As the world has grown smaller and smaller with the advancement of new communication technologies, the number of people, the time required and the target of such protest and action have gotten smaller as well. Today, this modern vigilante mentality has moved to the internet in many different forms of cyber-bullying. Some notable examples from the Wikipedia article on Internet Vigilantism include:

• Dog Shit Girl

  In 2005 in South Korea, bloggers targeted a woman who refused to clean up when her dog defecated on the floor of a Seoul subway car, labeling her “dog shit girl” (rough translation into English). Another commuter had taken a photograph of the woman and her dog, and posted it on a popular Korean website. Within days, she had been identified by internet vigilantes, and much of her personal information was exposed on the World Wide Web in an attempt to punish her for the offense. The story received mainstream attention when it was widely reported in South Korean media, and was discussed in Korean communities in the United States as well. The public humiliation led the woman to quit her university, according to reports.

  The reaction by Korean citizens to the incident prompted several Korean newspapers to run editorials voicing concern over Internet vigilantism. One paper quoted Daniel Solove as saying that the woman was the victim of a “cyber-posse, tracking down norm violators and branding them with digital Scarlet Letters.” Another called it an “Internet witch-hunt,” and went on to say that “the Internet is turning the whole society into a kangaroo court.”

• Zhang Ya & Sichuan Earthquake

  In 2008, a girl called Zhang Ya (sp?) from Liaoning province, Northeast China, posted a 4 minute video of herself complaining about the amount of attention the Sichuan earthquake victims were receiving on television. An intense response from Internet vigilantes resulted in the girl’s personal details (even including her blood type) being made available online, as well as dozens of abusive video responses on Chinese websites and blogs. The girl was taken into police custody for three days as protection from vigilante death threats.

• Stephen Fowler and Wife Swap

  Stephen Fowler, an English expatriate and venture capitalist businessman, gained notoriety after his performance on ABC’s Wife Swap (originally aired Friday January 30, 2009) when his wife exchanged positions in his family with a woman from Missouri for a two-week period. In response to her rule changes (standard procedure for the second week in the show) he insulted his guest and, in doing so, groups including the lower classes, soldiers, and the overweight. Several websites were made in protest against his behaviour, such as StephenFowlerSucks.com. After the show, and after watching the Wife Swap video, his wife, a professional life coach, reported that she had encouraged him to attend professional behaviour counselling. Businesses with only tangential connection to Fowler publicly disclaimed any association with him due to the negative publicity. He resigned positions on the boards of two environmental charities to avoid attracting negative press.

• Vigilante Group Torments Mother

  In 2009, a Facebook group was started, accusing a single mother for the death of a 13 month old child in her foster care. It was the Mother’s, then-common-law husband who pleaded guilty to manslaughter and the mother was not accused of any wrongdoing. It’s important to note that none of the vigilantes were held accountable for the consequences of any damages caused by the original accusations made against the innocent woman.

VIGILANTE DANGERS

Although a person’s heart is often in the right place the thing people should keep in mind is that no one ever fully knows all the information on a situation. This is the reason why there are procedures and protocols for investigators in law enforcement, government agencies, and organizations — to ensure there is a full and clear understanding of all the facts BEFORE any action is taken against a person or group.

Individual vigilantes who work within the system to initiate and encourage proper investigations by qualified people can definitely make a positive difference in our world … however, individual bullies and cyber-bullies who seek only to advance their own self-proclaimed heroism by enforcing their own twisted form of justice will only do more harm than good — creating a society where it is an accepted common practice to take action specifically designed to hurt others (even with the best of intentions) will only increase the feelings of anger, hate, resentment, and distrust which are already too prevalent in our world.

The final outcome to these kinds of attacks (especially from sources which aren’t held accountable for unfounded or unethical accusations — i.e. anonymous cyber-bullies) is being identified more and more often as the cause for bullycide in our communities. To better understand how cyber vigilantes incite people to commit bullycide you can check out the article recently published on www.DrDanSays.com ‘Why did daddy kill himself?‘

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Related posts:

1. Hard Limit of Verbal Self Defense
2. External Bullies Create Internal Bullying
3. Dealing with Emotionally Distressed Bullies

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The point at which this is accomplished is the moment the target of the bully begins to second-guess the way they handled the interaction. The most well known example people recognize are those times when you have sat around thinking back on an event wishing you could go back and change how you acted or what you said to the other person. It’s during this process of re-experiencing the negative feelings generated during the original incident that one’s inner bully is created and made stronger.

The more you allow your unconscious mind to re-live a bad experience the more you’re allowing your mind and feelings to emotionally bully you into feeling bad about yourself and your abilities to handle life. The truth is that the higher purpose of your unconscious mind doing this behavior is to help you learn from it and deal with the unpleasant feelings so you can let them go. This unconscious healing process, however, is not always successful because the act of re-experiencing something over and over — although occasionally beneficial — does not in any way address the problem of not having the proper skills to deal with the situation in the first place.

Only by avoiding this negative thought cycle can you stay out of the ongoing, negative emotional feedback and be able to overcome your inner bully. Taking the time to logically pull apart the facts of an experience and identify what you could do differently next time will you help your unconscious mind come to the conclusion that re-living the experience has served its purpose, and consequently be able to leave those bad feelings behind.

Alternatively, it’s possible that there is no identifiable lesson or learning to get from an experience of bullying — occasionally there is nothing you could have done or do differently next time … you did everything you could, the best you were able to based upon everything you know and have learned. In these cases the only thing to do is realize that you did your best and give yourself the praise necessary to help overcome and put an end to the negative thought cycle of inner bullying.

Whatever the case may be, the fact is that bullies in our external world are one of the truest sources of inner bullying which people live with on a daily basis. Negative self talk, bad feelings, and low self-esteem can easily start and end with bullying in one form or another — the important thing is to develop the strength and defense mechanisms to deal with inner bulling because there will always be people who say and do things (whether they mean to be bullies or not) that leave you feeling bad … the trick is to not let them influence how you see or speak to yourself and who you are and what you can do in this world.

As a side note, people in the field of NLP have noted that it can be very helpful to change the inner voice of bullying to one of more comical origin … like the voice of a cartoon character such Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse — as an example, any time your inner bully starts to negatively comment on your how you handle verbal conflict try changing that inner voice to the voice of Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants and see how it affects the validity of those arguments.

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Related posts:

1. Dealing with Emotionally Distressed Bullies
2. Acceptable vs. Unacceptable Bullying
3. Avoid Escalating Workplace Bullying – 2 Qualities of a Good Verbal Defender

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The fact is that there are a lot of people who will agree that their friends are more like ‘family’ than their actual family is — in verbal self defense we put it this way:

If you wouldn’t allow someone on the street to treat you in a certain way, then why would it be okay for your own family members to treat you in that same manner?

Being Tripped Up by Guilt

One of the most common form of bullying among family members is ‘guilt tripping’ — intentionally causing someone to experience feelings of guilt in order to get them to comply with your wishes. The act of making another person feel guilty is easily accomplished by putting that individual’s personal identity in question. One way to do that is to use voice tone to imply that the other person’s decision to do, or not do, what you want makes them a bad person (ie. uncaring, selfish, spoiled, mean, etc.).

In order to verbally defend yourself from such attacks requires two main things; 1) enough self-worth to acknowledge that there are times when your own beliefs, values, and needs deserve more attention than the attacker’s. 2) the confidence to say that implying someone (ex. you)  is a bad person [that you don't care, that you don't love them, that you are doing this out of spite, etc.] in order to convince them to think or do things differently is not the kind of communication you want to use in building your relationship.

How to Stop Guilt Tripping

When you confront a person who guilt trips you it is very important to be specific about identifying what the person is doing or saying that is creating the feelings of guilt — is it their tone of voice, the look on their face, a certain phrase or comment, etc.? When you know what it is about the person’s communication that is making any implication regarding how you are being personally irresponsible towards them (ex. intentionally causing them pain by not agreeing to their request) you can then use the techniques of verbal self defense against that exact bullying behavior.

In the case where you’re not comfortable addressing the issue in the moment, you only need to remember the details of the conversation in which the other person laid a guilt trip on you. You can then go back at a different time and place where you and the person are in a better, or more private, place and you can speak without any blame or emotion getting in the way.

At that point in time, simply present your concerns as facts about how you feel and what you’re hoping the other person will be open to changing… or at least being aware of how their way of communicating is being perceived by you. Stay focused on only dealing with the exact component of their communication that is of concern — stay away from talking about the content!

The goal is to get them to ask for what they want or explain their thoughts in a healthier way that leads to a better and more open relationship. Remember that this is all about ‘family’ and building those deeper ties that bind … free from negative feelings like fear, obligation, and guilt.

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Related posts:

1. Avoid Escalating Workplace Bullying – 2 Qualities of a Good Verbal Defender
2. Dealing with Emotionally Distressed Bullies

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In the modern age one of the greatest benefits of the internet is anonymity; however, it is also one of the internet’s greatest short-comings. In a time where big business and government must be held accountable, a degree of anonymity allows whistle-blowers to inform the public of inappropriate decisions on the part of the people in charge of our country and our economy. This same anonymity also offers people who have more sinister intentions a greater amount of freedom to harass, bully and discredit people without the risk of any consequences for their actions.

This exact scenario has recently happened to several people I know (including myself) and there is absolutely no recourse on the part of the victim(s). It would seem that, as an expert in the art of Verbal Self Defense, I should have some kind of means for dealing with something as simple as attacks to one’s character, but the problem is the lack of an opponent towards which I can fight back. Anyone who has access to a local internet coffee shop can create a fake (and untraceable) email or social network account under a false identity, and then they can use those accounts to begin spreading malicious libel on website forums, personal blogs and social networking sites. In real life a person who slanders your good name can be held accountable in a court of law for any damages they may cause you, but on the internet anonymity means there is no accountability at all. Huge companies such as Microsoft/Hotmail, Google, and Yahoo are able to protect these cyber-bullies from prosecution by helping them to hide their identity … and simply because no one has the wealth necessary to fight such large corporations there is no recourse for the average person even if they attempt to use techniques of verbal self defense.

You see, the main concept behind any effective strategy for verbal self defense relies on the persuasive power behind the potential consequences for the bully if they do NOT change their abusive behaviors. For this reason, verbal self defense has no power against anonymous internet attackers because there is no chance for any type of consequence to the things these cyber-terrorists say (online or in private messages), insinuate, or even directions they give for people to attack a person or their family.

This is currently a growing trend behind cyber-bullying and one of the major causes behind ever increasing statistics on bullycide (bullying induced suicide). However, until large internet businesses such as Microsoft, Google, Facebook, Yahoo, and others are made to be held accountable for their choice to protect the identity of cyber-terrorists you can expect to see this problem continuing to become worse and worse. At this point in time the only way targets of internet bullying will ever be able to make the changes necessary to stop these kinds of personal attacks is if we band together as a group and start more class-action lawsuits against the industry leaders who are allowing the victimization of innocent people by mean-hearted individuals using their internet servers and websites.

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Related posts:

1. When Internet Vigilantes Become Cyber-Bullies
2. How to Avoid Being Tripped Up by Feelings of Guilt

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There are certain contexts that will have behaviors which, in a completely different setting, would be considered inappropriate or in some cases even illegal, but in those places/situations are thought to be normal. A good example is bars and pubs — anywhere else people wouldn’t allow the rampant amount of sexual harassment that is common place in the liquor industry. In an office environment using vulgar language will usually end in some kind of reprimand from your supervisor, but in a bar it’s totally acceptable.

In the same way, just like behaviors are identified as acceptable or unacceptable by the context, bullying behaviors are not always true forms of bullying. Any bullying type of behavior that does not leave a person feeling bad are actually not a form of workplace bullying. One common example of this is certain types of playful humor — practical jokes which are found to be funny by everyone involved can easily become a form of workplace bullying if even one person considers the experience hurtful.

Have you ever experienced a situation where you did something or said something that, although you thought it would be funny, the other person didn’t understand or misunderstood your intentions in a negative way? Maybe it was the context you were in or maybe it was the wrong time or just the wrong kind of person to share that particular type of humor.

The key however is to remember that it’s not the bully’s responsibility to assure the other person is unhurt by their words or actions — in fact, it only becomes bullying at the point when the target informs the person that what they’re doing is a problem. After that point it should include input from both sides to find a solution.

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Related posts:

1. Passive-Aggressive Teasing: A Gateway to Verbal Abuse
2. External Bullies Create Internal Bullying
3. Avoid Escalating Workplace Bullying – 2 Qualities of a Good Verbal Defender

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This is the part of the process where we are trying to get to know each other; during the courtship the goal/intention is to win affection. We are hell bent on convincing the other person that you deserve their affections. So much so that we will present to them the type of person we THINK is the type of person they want to be with, we present what we perceive to be our “best side,” which gives unending fodder to all the TV situation comedies out there.

One of the key elements of humans is pleasure and fun. In the process of creating a “playful” environment that will entice this new partner to stay with them, one thing people will do is use that sense of playfulness to define their boundaries. We will tease each other as a way of showing things that they value or devalue – so if a partner is doing something the other thinks is silly or stupid, they will tease gently, playfully with the covert intention of saying “I think that is stupid/silly.” Although it’s funny at the time, there is a serious underlining intention. Ever hear of the idiom “Comedy is a funny way of being serious”?

The reason we do it in a teasing way is because we ware still in the honeymoon stage. We have to do it in a way that still brings a sense of pleasure to the other person; we need to continue to prove we are the person they want to be with. As the relationship continues, it becomes a pattern and it continues back and forth as the two people do things to balance power, set boundaries etc.

There is, however, a tipping point where it becomes too much of a relied-upon communication style. While it WAS meant in good fun, as the relationship matures, it starts to create feeling of resentment and shame. When over half of the communication in the relationship becomes the teasing/belittling, the unconscious suffering will slowly build and that building of unconscious suffering transforms into abuse.

In early stages it was teasing and playfulness such as correcting the other person (words, way they dress, how they do something), playful violence, those types of things can lead to an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. It happens comment by comment until it escalates to where even outsiders can see it as abuse. Ever wonder why someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship? This is why; it happens so slowly, building off of the honeymoon feel-good teasing that they never see it coming.

The concept is that you want to be aware and pay attention to the behaviors of those you are in a relationship with; be mindful of their intent and how they make you feel. Negative behaviors that appear to be done with a positive overt intention can actually be negative. When it stops being fun and playful and your reaction becomes filled with feelings of shame and resentment, then you have moved into the territory of abuse.

This is when you get help and/or start using your Verbal Self Defense. It’s up to you to stop the cycle.

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Related posts:

1. Acceptable vs. Unacceptable Bullying
2. Dealing with Emotionally Distressed Bullies
3. How to Avoid Being Tripped Up by Feelings of Guilt

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The reason for this is that people are limited to only having the choice available to them which they are unconsciously aware of in that time and place. That list of options is restricted by many different factors, including (but not limited to);

• The current situation or event;
• Their physical health and wellness (are they well rested, etc.);
• What the relationship is to all parties involved;
• Past personal experiences;
• The person’s deep personal values and beliefs about the world;

One of the most powerful influences of a person’s unconscious decision making process can be personal stress (or, in some cases, distress). Highly emotional circumstances involving feelings of fear, anger, shame, or guilt can negatively impact one’s ability to rationally determine the most appropriate choice of action. People and organizations that deal with our base need of safety and survival will usually have the most contact with individuals affected in this way — especially police, firefighters, EMT, doctors, nurses, etc.

When someone’s logical mind is limited by overwhelming negative emotion they can behave in unexpected ways that may seem very out of character for them. The reason is because they’re personal experiences in life have not given them the skills needed to deal with what is happening in an appropriate way. Those feelings of helplessness can instigate abusive reactions in these people, causing them to act mentally, emotionally and/or physically abusive towards the people around them — including their care givers.

One way to help a normally rational person who is in emotional distress is to constantly redirect their focus back toward the highest positive intention of their abusive words and actions. The simple act of asking what their purpose is for specific words, tone of voice, gestures, facial expression, body posture, etc. (any behavior determined to be abusive) that they are doing can help them reconnect with that logical part of their unconscious mind. Questions such as:

1. What is it you hope to accomplish by… [insert description of their abusive behavior here]?
2. Do you really believe that, by doing that behavior, it will help achieve your desired outcome?

From there it is then useful to help them by connected the behavior you need from that person (i.e. taking a breath and relaxing a bit, etc.) to their desired intent. A simple example of this could be stated as, “I can help you [insert their purpose for the abusive behavior] if you’ll simply [insert the behavior you need from them here].” The result is that, by guiding the person’s awareness toward their deeper intention and help them become conscious of how their current behavior is hindering them in achieving that outcome, it can then allow them to be more open to changing that behavior.

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Related posts:

1. Avoid Escalating Workplace Bullying – 2 Qualities of a Good Verbal Defender
2. External Bullies Create Internal Bullying
3. Passive-Aggressive Teasing: A Gateway to Verbal Abuse

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Times Colonist /National Post /Dose.ca /Global /Canada.com /Calgary Herald /The Vancouver Sun

I need to say, it’s my opinion that this is simply one more prime example of the hypocrisy of our justice system. As a verbal self defense instructor, and the author of a recently published book about overcoming workplace bullying, I think someone needs to point out where the real responsibility should be put in this case — our education and legal systems!

The injuries suffered by the bully will heal; however, the mental and emotional suffering the bully inflicted on his victims will have negative effects for decades to come. Yet, it shows just how apathetic we are when we do nothing until someone gets physically injured.

The fact is, a bully knows “the system” and knows exactly how to hurt people in a way that leaves teachers and parents unable and/or unwilling to act. Only when someone is hurt in a way measurable by a physician do we, as a community, give the story attention and step in to file charges. By those standards, the four teens were just inexperienced at bullying — had they left no physical signs then the police, school and parents would have remained indifferent.

The real problem is, an officer, teacher or parent who takes action that can’t be absolutely justified, they’ll face consequences from a review board or, worse, criminal charges. To protect themselves they avoid getting involved when someone says they’re being bullied without any physical proof … people in charge must face the consequences of their actions; but bullies do not.

If the people in authority who should have addressed the problem in the beginning were held responsible for the current circumstance, then it’d have been dealt with when the four teens were first seeking a solution. That would’ve also meant the teens now facing further suffering for Standing Up to a bully could have avoided the extensive mental and emotional injuries that made them think this was their only recourse.

(It’s ironically interesting to note that Friday, November 20^th is International STAND UP to Bullying Day — www.StandUpDay.com)

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Related posts:

1. External Bullies Create Internal Bullying
2. 4 Basic Tactics to Deal with School Bullying
3. Hard Limit of Verbal Self Defense

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• Reinforce good behavior,
• Learn his/her triggers, and
• Make it fun.

These recommendations presented in the two-page article are well founded and extremely useful when properly applied, however the concern you need to think about is hidden in the information that was left out. There are two components missing which, without them, will only succeed in making your office bullying problem even worse.

In order to avoid that outcome, prior to attempting to deal with an office tyrant the two things you must remember are:

1. Reaffirm your intention, and
2. Maintain control of both your verbal and non-verbal communication.

Set Your Intention

In order to effectively communicate with a bully the first and foremost concern should be centered on your own personal intentions in the matter. Acting or speaking out from a position of anger and frustration will often lead to hopes of hurting the bully as much as they hurt you — the age old concept of “an eye for an eye.”

The problem with defining the desired outcome using a focus of revenge is that you are likely to replicate the bully’s own behaviors towards them with the expected result to be them feeling as hurt as you were when they did it to you. However the original bullying behavior demonstrated by the office tyrant was well justified in their own mind, so it is more likely that treating them in the same way will only lead to increasing the level of conflict between the two of you.

Instead of trying to bully the bully, it is more useful to focus on working towards shifting their behavior towards something more useful. By remembering that is your desired result you will have greater success in controlling your own emotions because it’s no longer about how you feel. Your attempts to find a behavior that will work for both of you is more likely to succeed because, rather than trying to change him or her, you are actually taking their needs into consideration and working toward making the situation better for both of you.

Control Your Presentation

Having the right intention before you face an office bully is only one key element which can increase your likelihood of success. The second part is to control your own communication to ensure that your words and actions stay inline with your intention.

It’s common for people to automatically feel threatened by an office bully. Even before the bully does anything co-workers are already on guard, expecting the inevitable bullying behaviors. These assumptions (although well founded) create a negative thinking pattern that results in decreasing the effectiveness of your communication skills.

Ultimately any unhealthy attitude toward, or opinion of, the bully will influence the non-verbal components of your interaction and can be picked up by the bully through your facial expressions, tone of voice, or any number of tiny idiosyncrasies inherent to human interactions. Alternatively, if you maintain focus on the right intention and take a little extra time to consider how you present your thoughts and opinions it can have a dramatic affect on the way this other person perceives your ideas. In the end, this is what can make all the difference in whether or not the bully is open to working with you in finding a solution or whether or not they simply become defensive and make their office bullying even worse.

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2. Off-topic; School Bullying
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Between the time when a parent is the child’s sole defender and the point when they take on the role themselves, it’s useful to have an interim period of learning which incorporates both tactics of defense. We, as parents, can teach our children 3 basic steps to remember when addressing bullying type issues in school:

1. Assert yourself.

Essentially, the first time bullying happens it’s possible the child doing the bullying might not know how hurtful their words or actions are (or at least we can teach our children to begin by giving them the benefit of the doubt). In this step the most important component is that your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what, specifically, it is they would like to have change — what exact behavior needs to stop; Was it certain words they used? Was it the tone of their voice? Was it a specific name they were called? Was it any type of touch or hitting? Was it a specific action?

At first it may not be easy for your child to explain because children do not automatically have the skills needed to articulate what they’re feeling, or what specifically is causing it. In some cases the issue that is causing the discomfort may not be so black & white because it’ll be something that they don’t want to stop entirely — such as a fun game that maybe just went a little too far. Whatever the situation, it’s necessary to teach your child to focus on noticing what it is that the other person(s) is doing that isn’t okay, and then get specific to the things they see, hear or physically experience in order to describe them.

This is the point where you need to then help them focus on what they want instead. The main reason is that if you ask a bully to “stop” a particular behavior then you’ve given them the freedom to do another, just as hurtful, bullying behavior. Instead, help your child determine what they want and how they want it. With that you can help them put those expectations into multiple different sentences which they can use against the bully. You must help them determine the actual words they can say to the bully in order to assert what they want changed!

2. Utilize the systems in place.

If your child confronts the bully without success, then the next time it happens they should escalate their tactics to incorporate any systems already available to them. In this case they would go to the teacher and ask for their assistance in dealing with the matter. At this point you can basically go through the same process for asserting themselves, but with small change — you must set your expectations of what they need the teacher to do.

At the end of the process you’ll need to take a more active role in helping them put together the right words to say when talking to their teacher. The goal here is to get the teacher to understand that for the child this is a serious problem and subsequently the teacher should take it seriously, too. You need to give them sentences which you know the teacher, as an adult, will not simply dismiss as “a minor childish problem which — if left to their own devices — the kids will figure out and the problem will probably solve itself.”

For older children who feel a certain sense of shame in going to the teacher (mainly because kids make fun of people who have to get a grown up to protect them), you as the adult need to have a way of framing it so they think of it differently. One suggestion is to have the child simply present this tactic to the bully as a symbol of status and power — as if the child is in charge and the teacher will act in service to them. An example is, “I don’t need to deal with this — if you keep it up I’ll simply have the teacher deal with you.”

However, it’s important to remember that the teacher needs to be respected as well, so when your child presents this option to a person in authority it’s often valuable to offer up a solution such as mediation (where the teacher meets with both children at the same time and they each have an opportunity to present their side of the story). The benefit of this is to make things easier for the teacher so they are more likely to act while at the same time showing the bully a strong degree of self-confidence in managing the bully’s “childish behaviors” using “mature tactics.”

3. Find allies beyond the current system.

In a perfect world this is where bullying should stop, but sometimes it doesn’t. In these situations your kid should have a back-up plan — and that’s YOU!

As the parent it is these times you need to step up and take action. The best is to meet with the principal rather than the teacher (remember that “shit rolls down hill” so they will have more influence on the teacher than you will) and present your concerns along with the desired solutions. It is valuable for your child to be present at this meeting so that you can demonstrate a clear example of how they should learn to deal with interpersonal conflict as an adult.

4. Have a pre-prepared “Hail Mary Play.”

The “Hail Mary Pass” or “Hail Mary Play” is a famous American football term commonly used to describe a final play made in desperation with only a small chance of success. With regard to school bullying this comes after you’ve both made all possible attempts to work within the rules of the system to deal with the bullying problem. If, after you’ve spoken with the principal of the school, the issue continues to happen, then you should give your child permission & guidance of how to appropriately go outside society’s standard procedures.

Teachers and school administration often avoid getting involved in difficult issues between students because in our society they risk their own consequences if they don’t handle it properly. So our underlying goal is to make the child’s bullying problem an issue for EVERYONE right in the moment that the bullying is happening — because when a teacher can’t do their job then they must take action. Examples I’ve given kids include:

• Yelling — freak out, scream, get angry & loud, and make a scene about anything at all (NEVER hitting or becoming destructive).
• Become obscene — start swearing up a “blue streak” at the top of their lungs.
• Pull the fire alarm [Worst case scenario only, such as fear of physical harm!] — it’s amazing how quickly the community becomes involved when the media reports that police, fire department and ambulance were called to a school for bullying.

In each of these cases your child will be most likely be taken to the office. After being “taken into custody” it is important that the child follow up their behavior by repeating nonstop “Call my Mom” or “Call my Dad” over and over and over until you can get there. They should say nothing else; no explanation, no defending their behavior — when you arrive it will then be in your hands to justify what has happened and explain how it would be unacceptable for any discipline to happen against your child since the school didn’t do anything about the bullying problem.

These final tactics may seem extreme; however, in comparison to a child making the decision on their own to go outside normal behavior, everyone will agree that these kinds of Hail Mary Plays are much better choices than a kid bringing a gun to school as a means of solving things their own way.

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Related posts:

1. Off-topic; School Bullying
2. Avoid Escalating Workplace Bullying – 2 Qualities of a Good Verbal Defender
3. External Bullies Create Internal Bullying