Verbal Self Defense Tactics

How to Avoid Being Tripped Up by Feelings of Guilt

June 30th, 2010

The aged old saying is that ‘blood is thicker than water’ — commonly interpreted to mean ‘family ties are more important than any other relationships.’ If that was true, however, then people in your family should ALWAYS treat you better than anyone else in the world … but that isn’t always the case.

The fact is that there are a lot of people who will agree that their friends are more like ‘family’ than their actual family is — in verbal self defense we put it this way:

If you wouldn’t allow someone on the street to treat you in a certain way, then why would it be okay for your own family members to treat you in that same manner?

Being Tripped Up by Guilt

One of the most common form of bullying among family members is ‘guilt tripping’ — intentionally causing someone to experience feelings of guilt in order to get them to comply with your wishes. The act of making another person feel guilty is easily accomplished by putting that individual’s personal identity in question. One way to do that is to use voice tone to imply that the other person’s decision to do, or not do, what you want makes them a bad person (ie. uncaring, selfish, spoiled, mean, etc.).

In order to verbally defend yourself from such attacks requires two main things; 1) enough self-worth to acknowledge that there are times when your own beliefs, values, and needs deserve more attention than the attacker’s. 2) the confidence to say that implying someone (ex. you) is a bad person [that you don't care, that you don't love them, that you are doing this out of spite, etc.] in order to convince them to think or do things differently is not the kind of communication you want to use in building your relationship.

How to Stop Guilt Tripping

When you confront a person who guilt trips you it is very important to be specific about identifying what the person is doing or saying that is creating the feelings of guilt — is it their tone of voice, the look on their face, a certain phrase or comment, etc.? When you know what it is about the person’s communication that is making any implication regarding how you are being personally irresponsible towards them (ex. intentionally causing them pain by not agreeing to their request) you can then use the techniques of verbal self defense against that exact bullying behavior.

In the case where you’re not comfortable addressing the issue in the moment, you only need to remember the details of the conversation in which the other person laid a guilt trip on you. You can then go back at a different time and place where you and the person are in a better, or more private, place and you can speak without any blame or emotion getting in the way.

At that point in time, simply present your concerns as facts about how you feel and what you’re hoping the other person will be open to changing… or at least being aware of how their way of communicating is being perceived by you. Stay focused on only dealing with the exact component of their communication that is of concern — stay away from talking about the content!

The goal is to get them to ask for what they want or explain their thoughts in a healthier way that leads to a better and more open relationship. Remember that this is all about ‘family’ and building those deeper ties that bind … free from negative feelings like fear, obligation, and guilt.