Verbal Self Defense Tactics

4 Basic Tactics to Deal with School Bullying

September 25th, 2009

As parents it’s sometimes difficult to decide how to protect our children from school bullies while at the same time giving them the tools they need to learn how to deal with it themselves. In the earlier years of grade school we usually take care of protecting our kids by doing it for them — we are the ones who speak with the teacher or other parent. However, as they grow up and begin to seek their own ways of dealing with things they eventually stop coming to us for help.

Between the time when a parent is the child’s sole defender and the point when they take on the role themselves, it’s useful to have an interim period of learning which incorporates both tactics of defense. We, as parents, can teach our children 3 basic steps to remember when addressing bullying type issues in school:

1. Assert yourself.

Essentially, the first time bullying happens it’s possible the child doing the bullying might not know how hurtful their words or actions are (or at least we can teach our children to begin by giving them the benefit of the doubt). In this step the most important component is that your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what, specifically, it is they would like to have change — what exact behavior needs to stop; Was it certain words they used? Was it the tone of their voice? Was it a specific name they were called? Was it any type of touch or hitting? Was it a specific action?

At first it may not be easy for your child to explain because children do not automatically have the skills needed to articulate what they’re feeling, or what specifically is causing it. In some cases the issue that is causing the discomfort may not be so black & white because it’ll be something that they don’t want to stop entirely — such as a fun game that maybe just went a little too far. Whatever the situation, it’s necessary to teach your child to focus on noticing what it is that the other person(s) is doing that isn’t okay, and then get specific to the things they see, hear or physically experience in order to describe them.

This is the point where you need to then help them focus on what they want instead. The main reason is that if you ask a bully to “stop” a particular behavior then you’ve given them the freedom to do another, just as hurtful, bullying behavior. Instead, help your child determine what they want and how they want it. With that you can help them put those expectations into multiple different sentences which they can use against the bully. You must help them determine the actual words they can say to the bully in order to assert what they want changed!

2. Utilize the systems in place.

If your child confronts the bully without success, then the next time it happens they should escalate their tactics to incorporate any systems already available to them. In this case they would go to the teacher and ask for their assistance in dealing with the matter. At this point you can basically go through the same process for asserting themselves, but with small change — you must set your expectations of what they need the teacher to do.

At the end of the process you’ll need to take a more active role in helping them put together the right words to say when talking to their teacher. The goal here is to get the teacher to understand that for the child this is a serious problem and subsequently the teacher should take it seriously, too. You need to give them sentences which you know the teacher, as an adult, will not simply dismiss as “a minor childish problem which — if left to their own devices — the kids will figure out and the problem will probably solve itself.”

For older children who feel a certain sense of shame in going to the teacher (mainly because kids make fun of people who have to get a grown up to protect them), you as the adult need to have a way of framing it so they think of it differently. One suggestion is to have the child simply present this tactic to the bully as a symbol of status and power — as if the child is in charge and the teacher will act in service to them. An example is, “I don’t need to deal with this — if you keep it up I’ll simply have the teacher deal with you.”

However, it’s important to remember that the teacher needs to be respected as well, so when your child presents this option to a person in authority it’s often valuable to offer up a solution such as mediation (where the teacher meets with both children at the same time and they each have an opportunity to present their side of the story). The benefit of this is to make things easier for the teacher so they are more likely to act while at the same time showing the bully a strong degree of self-confidence in managing the bully’s “childish behaviors” using “mature tactics.”

3. Find allies beyond the current system.

In a perfect world this is where bullying should stop, but sometimes it doesn’t. In these situations your kid should have a back-up plan — and that’s YOU!

As the parent it is these times you need to step up and take action. The best is to meet with the principal rather than the teacher (remember that “shit rolls down hill” so they will have more influence on the teacher than you will) and present your concerns along with the desired solutions. It is valuable for your child to be present at this meeting so that you can demonstrate a clear example of how they should learn to deal with interpersonal conflict as an adult.

4. Have a pre-prepared “Hail Mary Play.”

The “Hail Mary Pass” or “Hail Mary Play” is a famous American football term commonly used to describe a final play made in desperation with only a small chance of success. With regard to school bullying this comes after you’ve both made all possible attempts to work within the rules of the system to deal with the bullying problem. If, after you’ve spoken with the principal of the school, the issue continues to happen, then you should give your child permission & guidance of how to appropriately go outside society’s standard procedures.

Teachers and school administration often avoid getting involved in difficult issues between students because in our society they risk their own consequences if they don’t handle it properly. So our underlying goal is to make the child’s bullying problem an issue for EVERYONE right in the moment that the bullying is happening — because when a teacher can’t do their job then they must take action. Examples I’ve given kids include:

Yelling — freak out, scream, get angry & loud, and make a scene about anything at all (NEVER hitting or becoming destructive).
Become obscene — start swearing up a “blue streak” at the top of their lungs.
Pull the fire alarm [Worst case scenario only, such as fear of physical harm!] — it’s amazing how quickly the community becomes involved when the media reports that police, fire department and ambulance were called to a school for bullying.

In each of these cases your child will be most likely be taken to the office. After being “taken into custody” it is important that the child follow up their behavior by repeating nonstop “Call my Mom” or “Call my Dad” over and over and over until you can get there. They should say nothing else; no explanation, no defending their behavior — when you arrive it will then be in your hands to justify what has happened and explain how it would be unacceptable for any discipline to happen against your child since the school didn’t do anything about the bullying problem.

These final tactics may seem extreme; however, in comparison to a child making the decision on their own to go outside normal behavior, everyone will agree that these kinds of Hail Mary Plays are much better choices than a kid bringing a gun to school as a means of solving things their own way.

One Response to “4 Basic Tactics to Deal with School Bullying”

Dan says:

October 7, 2009 at 6:51 pm

Or…

http://itmademyday.com/2009/10/07/super-mum/