Verbal Self Defense Tactics

Archive for September, 2009

As parents it’s sometimes difficult to decide how to protect our children from school bullies while at the same time giving them the tools they need to learn how to deal with it themselves. In the earlier years of grade school we usually take care of protecting our kids by doing it for them — we are the ones who speak with the teacher or other parent. However, as they grow up and begin to seek their own ways of dealing with things they eventually stop coming to us for help.

Between the time when a parent is the child’s sole defender and the point when they take on the role themselves, it’s useful to have an interim period of learning which incorporates both tactics of defense. We, as parents, can teach our children 3 basic steps to remember when addressing bullying type issues in school:

1. Assert yourself.

Essentially, the first time bullying happens it’s possible the child doing the bullying might not know how hurtful their words or actions are (or at least we can teach our children to begin by giving them the benefit of the doubt). In this step the most important component is that your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what, specifically, it is they would like to have change — what exact behavior needs to stop; Was it certain words they used? Was it the tone of their voice? Was it a specific name they were called? Was it any type of touch or hitting? Was it a specific action?

At first it may not be easy for your child to explain because children do not automatically have the skills needed to articulate what they’re feeling, or what specifically is causing it. In some cases the issue that is causing the discomfort may not be so black & white because it’ll be something that they don’t want to stop entirely — such as a fun game that maybe just went a little too far. Whatever the situation, it’s necessary to teach your child to focus on noticing what it is that the other person(s) is doing that isn’t okay, and then get specific to the things they see, hear or physically experience in order to describe them.

This is the point where you need to then help them focus on what they want instead. The main reason is that if you ask a bully to “stop” a particular behavior then you’ve given them the freedom to do another, just as hurtful, bullying behavior. Instead, help your child determine what they want and how they want it. With that you can help them put those expectations into multiple different sentences which they can use against the bully. You must help them determine the actual words they can say to the bully in order to assert what they want changed!

2. Utilize the systems in place.

If your child confronts the bully without success, then the next time it happens they should escalate their tactics to incorporate any systems already available to them. In this case they would go to the teacher and ask for their assistance in dealing with the matter. At this point you can basically go through the same process for asserting themselves, but with small change — you must set your expectations of what they need the teacher to do.

At the end of the process you’ll need to take a more active role in helping them put together the right words to say when talking to their teacher. The goal here is to get the teacher to understand that for the child this is a serious problem and subsequently the teacher should take it seriously, too. You need to give them sentences which you know the teacher, as an adult, will not simply dismiss as “a minor childish problem which — if left to their own devices — the kids will figure out and the problem will probably solve itself.”

For older children who feel a certain sense of shame in going to the teacher (mainly because kids make fun of people who have to get a grown up to protect them), you as the adult need to have a way of framing it so they think of it differently. One suggestion is to have the child simply present this tactic to the bully as a symbol of status and power — as if the child is in charge and the teacher will act in service to them. An example is, “I don’t need to deal with this — if you keep it up I’ll simply have the teacher deal with you.”

However, it’s important to remember that the teacher needs to be respected as well, so when your child presents this option to a person in authority it’s often valuable to offer up a solution such as mediation (where the teacher meets with both children at the same time and they each have an opportunity to present their side of the story). The benefit of this is to make things easier for the teacher so they are more likely to act while at the same time showing the bully a strong degree of self-confidence in managing the bully’s “childish behaviors” using “mature tactics.”

3. Find allies beyond the current system.

In a perfect world this is where bullying should stop, but sometimes it doesn’t. In these situations your kid should have a back-up plan — and that’s YOU!

As the parent it is these times you need to step up and take action. The best is to meet with the principal rather than the teacher (remember that “shit rolls down hill” so they will have more influence on the teacher than you will) and present your concerns along with the desired solutions. It is valuable for your child to be present at this meeting so that you can demonstrate a clear example of how they should learn to deal with interpersonal conflict as an adult.

4. Have a pre-prepared “Hail Mary Play.”

The “Hail Mary Pass” or “Hail Mary Play” is a famous American football term commonly used to describe a final play made in desperation with only a small chance of success. With regard to school bullying this comes after you’ve both made all possible attempts to work within the rules of the system to deal with the bullying problem. If, after you’ve spoken with the principal of the school, the issue continues to happen, then you should give your child permission & guidance of how to appropriately go outside society’s standard procedures.

Teachers and school administration often avoid getting involved in difficult issues between students because in our society they risk their own consequences if they don’t handle it properly. So our underlying goal is to make the child’s bullying problem an issue for EVERYONE right in the moment that the bullying is happening — because when a teacher can’t do their job then they must take action. Examples I’ve given kids include:

• Yelling — freak out, scream, get angry & loud, and make a scene about anything at all (NEVER hitting or becoming destructive).
• Become obscene — start swearing up a “blue streak” at the top of their lungs.
• Pull the fire alarm [Worst case scenario only, such as fear of physical harm!] — it’s amazing how quickly the community becomes involved when the media reports that police, fire department and ambulance were called to a school for bullying.

In each of these cases your child will be most likely be taken to the office. After being “taken into custody” it is important that the child follow up their behavior by repeating nonstop “Call my Mom” or “Call my Dad” over and over and over until you can get there. They should say nothing else; no explanation, no defending their behavior — when you arrive it will then be in your hands to justify what has happened and explain how it would be unacceptable for any discipline to happen against your child since the school didn’t do anything about the bullying problem.

These final tactics may seem extreme; however, in comparison to a child making the decision on their own to go outside normal behavior, everyone will agree that these kinds of Hail Mary Plays are much better choices than a kid bringing a gun to school as a means of solving things their own way.

This article was originally written by Jodie Gastel and posted on In Jodie’s Brain.

“We” just had a discussion on Twitter about school bullying and I thought I’d expand on what I said here because of Twitter’s limitations. We have given our boys a few tools to deal with bullies should it ever happen to them at school.

What I said – Tweet 1:

What we have told our sons to do: Happens 1ce, tell kid what needs to stop. Happens 2x tell teacher. Happens 3x go to principal

Tweet 2:

the 4th… raise a stink, a HUGE one that make the playground monitors have to come over. Flail, scream go nuts – make it so YOU

Tweet 3:

need to be called in… you can bet that they won’t want the trouble again after that

Essentially – The first time the bullying happens, the child doing the bullying might not know what they are doing is bullying, or at the least annoying. Your child needs to be able to tell his/her classmate what it is – specifically – they would like to have stop and what they would rather happen. Was it the words used? Was it the tone of voice? The name called? Any type of touch/hitting? This is not that easy to do, and it takes practice because most children do not automatically have the skills to articulate – they don’t know what they’re feeling. They need to learn to actually recognize the moment they begin to feel “this isn’t OK” “I am bothered by this.” This is where we, as parents, become curious. Ask questions, guide their focus/awareness to pay attention to how they feel bullied – (ie. is it feeling ill, stomach pain, shortness of breath, “stress”… etc…) what is “that bullying feeling”? For 2 reasons: 1) it tells them when they need to do something and 2) it tells them what they need to do something about. Practice, roll-play and read. This also helps your child to not become a whiney tattle-tale every time something little happens. It will take some trial-and-error… sometimes your child will feel like handling it themselves a couple of times as they become more confident in their verbal skills.

The second time, we told our boys to tell the teacher – again, it is important to say what, specifically, they would like to stop and it’s helpful to say what they would like to happen instead. Tell the teacher you have already told the bully exactly what they were doing that made you feel bad/scare/hurt. This is where you need to help your child come up with 3 or 4 GROWN UP sentances he/she can use with the teacher. The goal is to help the teacher understand and take this seriously.  This is where it *should* stop… but… that isn’t always the case.

The third time – go to ME (the parent) and we will go straight to the principal. It is important that our child is present at this meeting so that an example of how to deal with the situation as an adult. This will be important for them later on in life.

If it happens again, you have our permission to freak out. Get mad. Scream. Make a scene. Defend yourself. Get nasty. Swear. Make a fuss…. The point is to get noticed by the adults in charge to get taken to the office at the *exact* moment it’s happening. This is important. Once at the office repeat “Call my Mom” or “Call my Dad” over and over until they do; nothing esle. We will come.

Then it’s OUR turn. Heaven help the people who, when my child and I asked for help, didn’t.

If you’d like any further information on any of this, contact this guy:

Daniel Scott at http://SoaringSuccess.ca or http://VerbalDefenseTactics.com

We are looking to put together a 1/2-day workshop to teach parents how to teach their children to do all this. $30 – minimum 6 people. Contact me [Jodie Gastel] or Daniel to let us know if you’re interested.

[Please note: this workshop will be held in Victoria, BC, Canada]

Original Author: Jodie Gastel of In Jodie’s Brain.

Article Source: http://injodiesbrain.com/2009/09/off-topic-school-bullying/